By Geoff Ratliff
The past few months have been absolutely brutal for celebrity marriages! Starting with the shocking collapse of Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries’ seemingly unbreakable union last Halloween (thanks for stealing my daughter’s birthday thunder Kim!), the body count has continued to rise at a break-neck pace. Ashton and Demi, Katy and Russell, Kobe and Vanessa were news enough. But just in the past week we’ve had Johnny Depp and his long-time partner Vanessa Paradis separate after 13 years, and the biggest shocker (no really this time) of them all: the split of Project Runway star and super model Heidi Klum from soul singer Seal after a 7-year run.
The cynic in me would love to suggest that celebrity marriages are more susceptible to splits than the average marriage, however the overall divorce rate in the United States still hovers around 50%, and we lead the world in divorces per 1,000 people at a rate of 4.95. Statistical evidence aside, the high concentration of recent high profile break ups led me to wonder if there are any lessons that us pedestrians can take from these failures and translate them into success in our own relationships, whether you’re currently married or just someday planning to be.
With these six relationships as the backdrop, I’m commencing my bid for the Marriage Counselors Hall of Fame – apparently this list actually exists – with the Single Married Guy’s Six Keys to Successful Celebrity Marriages (really these rules apply to anyone but my candidacy will look much more impressive if super important, beautiful, rich, high-profile people heed my advice).
Marriage isn’t for everyone: Growing up, I never really wanted to get married. Sure I grew up in a stable, loving, two-parent home in which my parents were married for 34 years prior to my mother’s passing. Despite be raised in that environment, I’ve always been convinced – and still am – that the institution of marriage is not a necessary component to raising a wonderful family and demonstrating a long-term commitment to your partner. Marriage has been the best thing that has ever happened to me, but more than six years in I’m more convinced than ever that it just isn’t for everyone. Kim Kardashian would be one of those people. Kris Humphries would be another.
I wanted to punch through the screen of my MacBook while watching a recent clip from Kourtney and Kim take New York where Kim breaks down crying over her failed marriage to Humphries. It was clear to me that in her eyes, marriage is more of a trophy you strive for in the game of life, rather than a true partnership that you enter into with someone that you actually know, love, and respect.
The clueless Humphries doesn’t appear to be much more enlightened in this department. While on the surface the two clueless “celebrities” are a match made in heaven, but something tells me that this won’t be the last divorce for either.
What does this mean for the rest of us? Know what you’re signing up for an above all, respect the institution. As much as I never wanted to get married, I was 100 times more adamant about never wanting to get divorced. Pardon me for having the nerve to think that everyone should take their vows this seriously.
Take your time young man/woman: Let’s breakdown the timeline on the whirlwind Katy Perry/Russell Brand relationship:
January of 2009 – Perry breaks up with long-time boyfriend and Gym Class Heroes front man Travis McCoy.
September of 2009 – Perry and Brand begin a drive-through restaurant fast courtship following the MTV Video Music Awards.
January 2010 – The couple announces their engagement.
October 2010 – Brand and Perry get married.
December 2011 – Brand files from divorce from a devastated Perry.
Now in the realm of celebrity unions, this does not come close to cracking the top ten for shortest time period. The aforementioned Kardashian and Humphries (72 days), Drew Barrymore and Tom Green (163 days), or Pam Anderson and Kid Rock (122 days) just to name a few clearly rule the top ten (for a top ten shortest celebrity marriages list click here). It is, however, a prime example of what happens when two people, with their own very demanding schedules, take the “fools rush in” approach to saying I do, and is more notable due to Perry’s famously strict religious upbringing and conservative parents. No wonder then that many reports have her scrambling to try and reconcile, while Brand seems intent on moving on.
High profile relationships are difficult enough without the additional challenge of not spending considerable time with the person you’ve chosen to be your life-long mate, especially when the two of you have no considerable history upon which to fall back on. As Kanye would say “don’t rush to be grown, just drive slow homie, drive slow.”
For those of us with considerably less notoriety, still make sure that the lifestyle and career goals of the person you are with complement your own. This is is considerably more important in an age where the Suzy Homemaker cliche is all but dead and women are consistently taking on more demanding roles in the work place.
Now I ain’t sayin’ she a Gold Digger…: Before you start getting suspicious, no Kanye West did not ghostwrite this column, but many of his lyrics have, incredibly and ironically, translated into sound relationship advice. In retrospect, the Kobe and Vanessa Bryant marriage was doomed to fail from the start, and while I’m a little shocked that it lasted this long, there are two primary factors that should have made a 10-year union an easy call.
First and foremost is Kobe’s fierce competitiveness and defiant nature. Those who remember back when news of this relationship first broke will recall that Vanessa was a 17-year old high school student when the 20-year old Bryant first met her, and when they married a little more than a year later, the decision caused a very nasty and public rift between Bryant and his immediate family. Kobe’s I-will-not-lose attitude was good for at least five years.
Then there is Vanessa’s shrewdness and mastery of the Gold digger handbook. I am absolutely not a proponent of the California law that entitles spouses of marriages of 10-years or more to half of the couples assets in a divorce, and Vanessa Bryant is exhibit A, B, and C of why. I have never met the woman, never read any scandalous rumors about her, and have no reason to believe that she isn’t a perfectly devoted wife and mother. Put another way, I couldn’t imagine her being on the cast of Basketball Wives (that’s a compliment Vanessa if you happen to stumble across this). She stuck by Kobe after the Colorado incident, never showing any signs of disloyalty or dissension, and has played the primary role in raising the couple’s two gorgeous daughters. But is that worth $75 million and three mansions? As Drake so emphatically raps on “Stay Schemin’”, “B*tch you wasn’t shootin’ with me in the gym!”
I’m a firm believer in not knocking anyone’s hustle and I certainly won’t hate the player, as much as I hate the game. In fact, the socially inept Bryant never had a prayer; if it wasn’t Vanessa, it would have been some other drop-dead gorgeous, California beauty working her mojo on the Lakers’ star. Well played Vanessa, well played.
The lesson here is that if you happen to be anyone of any level of notoriety and you want a shot at true marital bliss, you have two options: 1) Marry someone of equal stature or 2) find someone who miraculously has zero idea who you are.
The folly of May-December Marriages: I’ve never gotten the appeal of Ashton Kutcher. I don’t think he’s all that funny or handsome, but apparently millions of women disagree so what the hell do I know?
I know this: May-December relationships (defined as relationships where there is, traditionally, at least an 11-year age gap between the two parties) only have a shot at lasting if the man is the older of the two. It just doesn’t work the other way, and the reason for this is simple: men are much more superficial than women.
Demi Moore is still smokin’ hot at 49-years old, but you didn’t see Bruce Willis staying in his age bracket when they divorced. How did Moore ever believe there was a snow ball’s chance in hell of Kutcher, 16-years her junior, ever staying faithful? I’m not suggesting that Kutcher didn’t enter into this union with the purest of intentions (ok, yes I am) but Chris Rock told us years ago that men are only as faithful as their options, and Kutcher had plenty of options.
I encourage Demi, and J-Lo, and Madonna to continue running around bagging horny 20-somethings as long as they can pull it off. Life is short and they’ve certainly all earned that right. But be realistic ladies, and realize that a lifetime of happiness with any one of these puppies looking to bag a trophy cougar is not in the cards.
Absence does NOT make the heart grow fonder: I was as shocked as anyone to hear of the split up of Heidi Klum and Seal, as they appeared to be the perfect celebrity couple. They renewed their vows in a fun, annual ceremony and appeared to genuinely enjoy being with each other every time the couple was photographed together in public. They both seemed to say, and do, all the right things.
There was one telling detail of this split that resonated with me however, something that will absolutely cripple any marriage if it is not explicitly discussed up front: commitment to the family.
I’m not even beginning to suggest that Seal is anything but a loving and devoted husband and father, but one thing that is clear is that Klum definitely put a high priority on scheduling her career around her family and that Seal did not reciprocate, and that appeared to be the proverbial “irreconcilable difference” that destroyed this fairy tale marriage.
There is a quote from Seal in 2007 where he states the following:
“I have a very, very simple approach. Heidi is No. 1 at all times, then it’s the kids -— as strange as that may sound -— then it’s health and career…”
This is significant, because most people, including myself, will tell you that once you have a child, they become the number one priority in your life. While both parties have been nothing but respectful of each other in the days since the split was announced, I’d bet my first born that this was a huge source of contention for the two.
Some people just grow apart. And that’s ok: I know it’s not popular to say, and in fact it flies against the very idea of “till death do us part”, but sometimes people just aren’t into each other as much as they used to be. If you at all value the saying that you should “under promise and over deliver”, you’ll find irony in the fact that marriage vows are often filled with unrealistic expectations.
Your marriage vows are easily the biggest verbal commitment that you will ever make to another individual, or rather group of individuals. When you stand before God, in front of your closest friends and family, and say those powerful words – whether you recite traditional vows or write your own – you are making that promise not only to your significant other, but to every person in that room. If you break those vows, you are violating a lot of people’s trust.
If there’s anything that I’ve learned in my 35 years on this planet its that life gets substantially more difficult, and less predictable, as we get older. How can one possibly state that for the next 50, 60, or 70+ years that they will stand by that one person no matter what challenges life presents? It’s admirable, but nearly impossible to pull off without a few missteps along the way.
Please don’t take this as an invitation to start writing really vague vows that give you outs on every possible mistake you could ever make in life, or absolution for intentionally devious behavior. All I’m saying is that the best way to ensure that you live up to those promises on the day you make that most powerful of declarations, is to have an honest conversation with your spouse about the limits of what behaviors you can handle and what things are absolute deal breakers. Your expectations, limitations, and desires will undoubtedly change as life circumstances dictate that they must, but keep the dialogue open and everybody will end up happier in the end, whether that ultimately means you stay together or drift apart.
Contact Geoff at geoff@popflyboys.com and follow him on Twitter @snglemarriedguy
